James Pringle

Our selected feature, The Haunting In Connecticut (2009), opens subtly with white text on a black screen. As a big fan of Woody Allen I couldn’t really argue that decision. It’s reserved, traditional and succinct if only somewhat pretentious. There’s only one problem though…it’s in Papyrus font! Considering we are in the 21st century with all the art forms from cave paintings to Saul Bass to today’s life-like computer rendering software why would anyone use Papyrus font? There is almost an endless amount of fonts in the world today, presumably hundreds if not thousands that would be more appropriate for the opening title sequence of a horror movie. Papyrus? Really? The Papyrus-users (as I will call them) seem to have split into two groups rendering the use of that beloved font even more confusing. One camp seems to think it expresses “ancient” as in the Bible or Celtic Moods CD covers. The other thinks it’s “scary”. Maybe at times it’s meant to be both. Why didn’t William Friedkin use it for the credits of “The Exorcist” that would have been perfect. Religious and creepy. The problem with Papyrus is that by using it you are telling me that this IS SCARY! No wondering, no anticipation, no, this movie is going to be scary! Watch out! They might as well just use that cartoony, blood-dripping, Halloween font (whatever that’s called). Jesus!

Now that we’re in the mood we are shown a montage of old family photos mostly highlighting spooky dead children and old people because everyone from the 20’s looks creepy in photos. This is cut with close-up shots of “something” being embalmed (presumably people) and rounded off with creepy piano music accompanied by the smash hit “big whoosing sounds”. Dabbled in are some squishy sounds effects of the embalming.

Oh, man the Papyrus users were right. Those swooshing sounds sent chills up my spine.

Could our opening sequence get anymore boring or cliched? Why yes, they found a way. The sequence ends on a black screen with the words…”Based on the true story”. Oh, really? This all happened then? I didn’t know this was a historically accurate documentary. If you weren’t put to sleep by the lame opening sequence then you’re probably the type of person who would believe such a line. Did Fargo teach us nothing?

Okay, ok. We made it this far. Maybe just a bad start. Fade to opening scene.

We have a woman (played by Virginia Madsen apparently doing her impression of Ben Stein) sitting in a dark room being interviewed talking about how her family was desperate and bought an old house (which was publicly known to be haunted) and goes on to tell her interviewer that she didn’t ask for what happened to her. Sounds like you not only asked for it, you paid for it, sister! I mean there are only so many houses in the world right? Couldn’t skip that historically haunted one? It was just too good a deal! Too bad the deed wasn’t written in Papyrus font. You would have known then that it was “like totally spooky”. So, already you’ve lost me as far as having respect for your character. You’ve proven in the first 2 minutes that you’re someone who makes stupid choices, so do I really want to sit here for the next hour and a half and watch you stumble your way through numerous stupid choices? I think not.

So, our story begins after the short interview. We are back in time now I assume to see what horrors this family is going to go through (that they didn’t deserve remember). Cut to exterior, car, daytime. Mom is driving with ill-stricken, whiny, wisecracking, teenage son. Mom decides to draw us in with more sympathy by talking to God and asking for him to not let her son suffer while her crucifix necklace dangles from the rear-view mirror. Fast-forward through a few lines of cookie-cutter, emotionless, uninspired dialogue between Mom and son before she must pull the car over because little Billy is going to be sick.

Now, there’s one easy way to judge a movie if the situation presents itself in the story and that is a vomit scene. Dismissing any story where seeing the vomiting might be pertinent to the plot (I can’t think of any) the filmmakers have a choice between showing us or being a little classy and just implying this act. Maybe just the sound of it is enough. When little Billy loses his lunch (which really wasn’t over the top) I figured this “film” had received enough chances from me and I was out.

Total runtime: 3m 59s